Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
I want a musical about memes.
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