My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Randomize
