This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Im just an angry damaged little elf who wanders around and tries to find drugs.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
