You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
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