Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
