saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
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