i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
