You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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