My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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