I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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