Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
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