Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
