Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Randomize
