I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
