My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
So I decided to put different foods on my dick to see which would feel the best
and??
Cake is only good when you eat it
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
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