We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
