Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
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