I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
