you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
