So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
