rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
