i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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