Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
