mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
just tell him i said nine months
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Randomize
