I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
