Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
