he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
