did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
