We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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