Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
