My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
