We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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