i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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