the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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