Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
