there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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