woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
