i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
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