I was born with a shot glass in my hand
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
