he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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