my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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