I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Randomize
