Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
