today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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