The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Drunk is a universal language darling
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