you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
