my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
