Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
