we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
