Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Who wears a wallet chain?!
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Randomize
