Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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