I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
