so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
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