to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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